Skip to main content


.. are an ocean and a horizon.

Voluntary & Involuntary 

  • Some relationships are by choice. You seek them out, like friendships, partners. Let's call these voluntary.
  • Some relationships are enforced. Like coworkers, siblings, family. Let's call these involuntary.
  • The dynamics of both are different.


Starting a voluntary relationship is an act in itself.
You reach out to someone at a bar or online or on the street.
Several things cascade from there..
  • You assume the other person is open-minded to a relationship.
  • You don't know them, so you start to validate them – 
    • is (s)he smart, hardworking, carries positive energy etc. etc. – all the good things. 
    • Often we are also looking for some negatives, so they can be exploited. I suspect a lot of Game is built on the negatives.
  • They start to validate you.
  • You validate them positively, or not.
  • They validate your positively, or not.
  • Depending on this initial validation, a transactional dynamic gets set up, which hopefully gets followed up.


Relationships are contracts, implied in these initial interactions, and extended in following ones.
As in all contracts, they carry benefits and liabilities.

The liabilities require a price to be paid. 
Be prepared to pay it. 
Pay it responsibly.


Synonymous to contract, the relationship is a bond as well.
By definition, a bond is binding – a mild form of imprisonment even?

Offer this imprisonment responsibly.


What is the purpose of relationships?

Of course, obtaining the benefits is obviously valuable.
But what about the liability? Where lies the value in this?


Robin Dunbar postulated that 150 is the cognitive limit of the number of stable relationships that humans can maintain comfortably.

Social media networks however blast this metric. 
But it makes sense: why you could have a hundred, thousand and million friends & followers, but yet remain without meaningful relationships.

On the flip side, it would be interesting to write down the name identifiers of ALL the real relationships we nurture, and see how that compares to the Dunbar Number.

150 could well have been the size of the primitive man's tribe.

Judging People

Toxicity is introduced to a relationship as soon as you start to judge a counterpart. 
Instead, look for opportunities to practice Dharma to them.


.. leads to Intimacy and Vulnerability 


6 Pillars

According to Esther Perel, the basic language of relationships has 6 pillars. 
I am assuming here that Esther meant them in the context of man-woman relationships, since she is a marriage counselor.
  1. Make them feel valued, recognised and appreciated
  2. Connect — live in their reality, and let them live in yours
  3. Mutuality — I am there for you, just because of you, no self interest
  4. Respect, admiration, inspiration
  5. Reciprocity
  6. Trust
    Esther also draws attention to the narcissistic nature of the woman. 
    To enjoy herself, let go, she has to be totally relaxed.
    To make love with you, ask yourselves if she will make love with herself.

    Anima & Animus

    Carl Jung unravelled the psychological necessity of men and women for each other in his Anima-Animus thesis.

    As a man, I strive to understand women in the Eve-Helen-Maria-Sophia model.
    At the same time, in order to understand how women perceive a man, it's important to understand the 4 levels of development of the Animus.
    • Man of physical power
    • Man of action and romance
    • Man as a professor, clergyman, orator
    • Man as a spiritual guide

    Monogamous Marriage

    Anima & Animus are the root cause of marital problems.  As time passes, both man and woman transcend these 4 developmental stages.

    Unfortunately, while we are educated on a whole bunch of useless shit in our developmental years, we are not educated to evolve the relationship with our partner according to their unconscious psychological transgressions. 
    As a result, in successful marriages, people are lucky to figure it out themselves. 
    And of course, they put in the hard and painful work necessary to make their marriage work. 

    In unsuccessful ones, ±50% in western societies, this lesson goes lost on the couple.
    That's not entirely a bad thing, if children are not involved, because the man and the woman end up finding new partners who are more compatible with their psychological state at that point in time.


    .. is not a feeling, it is a skill. (Allan de Botton)

    Loving, and being loved are 2 different things.

    • Being loved is the free unconditional love we receive as a child.
    • To love, someone, is to apply charity and generosity of interpretation of them.

    Compatibility is a consequence of love, not a cause.

    If you keep following your feelings, you'll most likely make a big mistake in life.

    Relationships are about teaching too.
    Successful couples allow each other to teach, without bitterness, fury or humiliation.

    • A great teacher doesn't mind if the lesson is being lost on the pupil.
    • You cannot teach by humiliation.

    Popular posts from this blog

    The Dream of the Information Age

    If this beauty of a device meets it's mission of being owned by every kid on the planet, we are looking to a new dimension of the Information Age.
    For full profile of the device, visit BBC's technology page.

    Paypal's Ridiculous Business Practices

    In Q3-2005 we discovered the power of online sales and started to market Wapsol's products extensively online. Just as importantly we decided to get into the trading business for WLAN accessories (antennae, cable, connectors etc) which entails buying from manufacturers and selling on online-retail. Needless to say ebay's 26 worldwide markets were lucrative points of sales.

    We used Paypal for collecting most of payments from customers outside Germany. The numbers ticked up fast and we were hecticly building up infrastructure for shipping, online-support, product-portfolio and payment-systems.

    One morning as I woke up in Germany I found that Paypal decided to lock up our account without any specific reason. There were no disputes or complaints from buyers or anything that suggested provocation. They just locked it. In it a few thousands of dollars of cash-flow and the account was listed as a favored payment option for some 100 pending auctions - now customers couldn't pay for …

    Journey, not a Destination

    The 7 Spiritual Laws .. make a connection between personal psychology and spirituality. It's one of those things that we seem to know already deep down, and once someone articulates it in words, it makes an immediate click!

    Thanks, Michael George Knight, for introducing this book through your amazing summary at

    Here are my notes for self-reference. These laws can be referred throughout the day as life's events unfold.
    Pure Potentiality Our essential state is pure consciousness.  It is the field of all possibilities and infinite creativity.  Our physical body, the physical universe – every thing in the material world – comes from the same source: a field of silent, unmoving awareness from which anything is possible.

    The same field that nature uses to create and sustain a forest, a galaxy, or a human body can also bring about the fulfilment of our desires.  This field is the source of all power, all intelligence, and infinite organising ability.
    When our internal…