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Self-Esteem

It's not about you!
A couple of nights ago at dinner with a friend of equal professional and personal vertical position, but a different horizontal social background, upbringing and private life, the suspicion dawned upon me that I might have a major major self-esteem problem. 

Introspection over the next few days exposed that it is true — the problem exists. It’s the task now to heal this weakness; eliminate it out of my biology.

It is important to fix this problem as it promises to enrich a very important part of life — relationships, with friends & family, coworkers, women and even strangers.

Interesting observations pass by. For ex., 
  • where self-esteem fails, ego (or is it arrogance?) takes its place in that situation and state of mind. 
So how to fix the problem?

At the current point, the plan is to keep going down layers of “why”, leading to the root of the weakness. Then apply the panacea.
My first tools are the worksheets from the Therapist Aid.

Leo Gura's breakdown into self-efficacy and self-respect are helpful. Leo references Nathaniel Branden's Six Pillars of Self Esteem, for which there is a book-bit available.

  • Arrogance is the polar opposite of self-esteem.
  • Arrogance is comparison-based.
  • Self-esteem is taking joy in being who you are without the need of comparing yourself to another person.
The 6 pillars..

Live Consciously

  • Distinguish between a fact and emotional response.
  • Correct behaviour as necessary.
What to do in situations where we know our behaviour is not beneficial, but we also don’t know how the best solution would look like? In such a situation, “live by values”.

Self Acceptance

  • We experience self-esteem, but self-acceptance is something we do.
  • Accept that 
    • you think what you think, 
    • that you desire what you desire and 
    • that you are who you are.
  • Acceptance is the precondition of change.

Self Responsibility

  • Take responsibility for self-fulfilment and our own well-being.
  • Concentrate on what is our circle of influence and neglect what lies outside of it.
  • No one is coming to change your life.

Self Assertiveness

  • Own who you are.
  • Honour your needs and wants. 
  • Live and express your values.

Live Purposefully

  • Having a goal, working towards it and accomplishing it is a great way to prove that we can rely on ourselves.

Personal Integrity

  • Be honest, as everything else is disrespectful to yourself.
  • Ensure that your behaviours are congruent to your values.

Finally..

In order to grow, we have to seek discomfort. It’s not enough to face discomfort once we find ourselves in such a situation, it is about actively seeking it. The reward will be self-esteem.

And remember..

it's not about you!




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